If you are looking for my blog titled, The Contemplative Catholic Convert, you are at the right spot.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Loving Much, Loving Little

And He Himself is the propitiation [atonement] for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world (1 John 2:2).

Jesus saved us from our sins.  I’ve said it hundreds of times since 1972 when I discovered that breathtaking news. But the longer I walk with Him the more I wonder how well I really understand what that means – not  what He did, but what I did.

I wonder how well I understand the depth of our sins. Its horror. Its unrelenting and unspeakable evil – evil so foul that by itself alone heaven convulsed. Evil that spit in His face. Lashed him with whips. Nailed Him to a cross. Our lies. Our thefts. Our immoralities. Our pride. Our idolatries. Our . . . our . . .  our. 

It was all ours.

So often I speak so glibly of our salvation without thought. Without reflection. Like those at a dinner table discussing the weather – “Oh yes, I am a sinner. Pass the biscuits, please.”

But if I took the time, time after time, to ask the Holy Spirit to convict me anew, again and again, of sin, righteousness, and judgment, if I took the time to contemplate the truth that my conversion in 1972 was not intended by God to be simply a one-time event, but an ongoing, day after day recommittal of my life to Him, then I would not wonder as I sometimes wonder, at Isaiah who, when he beheld the Lord, cried, “Oh God! I am a man of unclean lips and I live among people of unclean lips” (Isaiah 6:1-7).  I would not wonder as I sometimes wonder, at St. John who, when he saw the risen Jesus in all His wondrous glory, fell on his face as a dead man in recognition of who he was and who Jesus is (Revelation 1:17).  I would not wonder, as I sometimes wonder, at St. Peter who begged of the Lord, “Depart from me, for I am a sinful man” (Luke 5:8), or St. Paul, who writhed in agony over his continuing sins and wept, “Who will deliver me from the body of this death?”  (Romans 7:24).

But what I do wonder is why I remain so insensitive to what I did – and to what I do – all of which resulted in what Jesus had to do on Golgotha.  Why am I sometimes so casual with others about the Cross and the brutal death of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ that purchased our salvation?  How do I forget what Jesus said of the harlot who washed His feet with her tears: “He who is forgiven much loves much. He who is forgiven little loves little” (See Luke 7:47).

Oh, Lord! Open my eyes! According to your mercy and to what I can bear, show me the sin – my sin – that sliced open your back and hammered nails into your limbs. I want to know – really know –what it is for which I am forgiven. I want to see it in all of its evil as you see it. I want to know even as I am known, that I may love you the more for your great and ineffable forgiveness toward me.




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